Dear reader: Last week I rented a janitor’s uniform and rolled a recycling bin into the editorial office of a large, left-leaning publication (which will go unnamed if they meet the deadline on my ransom note). I pushed my broom around the floor, collecting discarded post-its, restaurant receipts, and printouts from the editor’s inbox. What follows is indisputable proof of liberal opinion-page bias – valid views shamelessly censored and denied their corner soapbox in the marketplace of ideas!
The Hetero Threat Is Real!
Dear Editor:
I think it’s time somebody did something about the shameful number of heterosexuals in our schools. Like other demographic groups with “sexual” at the end of their names, these sinful pleasure-seekers think about nothing but sex all day long, and never miss a chance to act out their filthy fantasies.
Everybody knows the vast majority of rapists, child abusers, pornographers and other perverts are heterosexuals. It may be premature to suspect a heterosexual conspiracy – “heteros” just don’t seem that smart. But it seems pretty darn suspicious to me that most teachers, administrators and staff in our public schools are active heterosexuals, too.
I for one have no doubt that the heteros (a.k.a. “straights”) are quietly recruiting millions of innocent children into their wanton, wicked heterosexual lifestyle from the minute the first bell rings till the last kid is released from so-called “detention” at the end of the day.
Not to mention the well-documented heterosexual takeover of Hollywood. For decades, our children have been exposed to a constant barrage of blatant heterosexual propaganda from television, movies, the internet, and filthy magazines like People and The National Enquirer, with pictures of heterosexual couples right on the cover – some of them legally married! Isn’t it time some upstanding, God-fearing politician like our new President stood up and stopped it?
They say that heterosexuality is a genetically programmed trait. But who says it? Heteros! I say it’s a deliberate choice, and our children are in danger of making the wrong choice. Why? Because they have such a poor moral foundation. And whose fault is that? You can’t blame their parents – who has time for parenting these days?
I’m warning you. Heteros. They’re everywhere.
Signed, “Maybe I’m Not Just Paranoid”
Creeping Socialism
Dear Editor,
I completely understand why the majority of loyal Americans are opposed to the concept of a single-payer universal insurance plan. It’s socialized medicine, something we fought a forty-year Cold War to chase back to Red Communist Russia.
But these folks don’t seem to realize that creeping socialism has already sneaked in the back door. To fully address this threat, shouldn’t every family hire a private contractor to re-pave the street and repair the sidewalk outside their home? Shouldn’t every family retain a private security firm so they’ll have a well-armed personal enforcer to call if some junkie on welfare steals their Amazon delivery? What about hiring our own private fire departments, schoolteachers and librarians, army, navy and air force? Every household would need one of each – a huge boost to our free market economy!
Liberals claim that reducing taxes on the highest income brackets will drive up the federal budget deficit. The beauty of my proposal is that it will enable us to completely eliminate both taxes on the rich and the federal deficit at the same time! This will free our beloved celebrity billionaires to invest in private law-enforcement firms to protect their fortified compounds from greedy, predatory homeless people – which means a job, a uniform, and an assault rifle for anyone willing to work.
My proposal has the added advantage of instantly halting the invasion of millions of gun-toting criminals and bomb-throwing communists illegally sneaking in from Mexico. Of course, we may have the opposite problem instead: lazy, conniving counterfeit “Americans” hooked on tax-funded government services will be leaving the country in droves, any way they can. Perhaps a massive fence along the Canadian border will help.
Of course, we’ll have to persuade all the families living along the border to foot the bill for their section of the fence. I’m sure the fence-building industry would be happy to hire a private security force to help persuade them.
Sincerely, “Creeped Out”
Does the Right Hand Know What the Left Hand Is Up To?
Dear Editor,
I know all patriotic Americans are awed and inspired, as I am, by our great President’s awesome accomplishments so far. But I’m wondering when he will turn his attention to one of the most insidious far-left conspiracies still hiding in plain sight. I refer of course to the “lefties” among us who appear to be innocently using their “left wing” to pass the salt and tap on their touchscreens – a clandestine signal to other left-handed liberals who are only biding their time before emerging from their rat-holes to force their leftover leftist agenda on all right-living right-handed Americans.
As every right-thinking patriot knows, the right hand is the natural biological extension of an upright, right-minded citizen; the left hand is the extremity unnaturally favored by deep-state ideological extremists. Only a “woke” left-sympathizing biologist would claim that so-called “science” proves otherwise.
It is no coincidence that “right-wing” opinions are rightfully defined as “right,” as in “correct,” “truthful,” and “morally proper.” It inescapably follows that “left” logically corresponds to “wrong.” This is clearly demonstrated by the vast majority of Americans who have rightly chosen their right hand as the dominant one for asserting their natural dominion over the natural world and over those misguided souls who subvert the natural order by attempting to defend it.
As a well-known aphorism of the devout Christian and patriot Benjamin Franklin rightly states, “Right makes might.” In fact, “right” and “might” share the same Latin root, rigidus, which further proves my point. As our beloved token Justice Clarence Thomas might say, “Right on!”
Biblical scholars Lahaye and Jenkins trace the term “leftist” to the Book of Revelations, 44:46, wherein the Angel of the Sword of Vengeance spake, “And they who are left must remain behind when the faithful ascend to sit at the right hand of the Father.” This is corroborated outright in Book XVII of the New, Improved Testament, Left Still Yet Further Behind, when the righteous heroes return to Earth to gun down the depraved and unsaved who still yet dare to defy the edicts of Heaven.
For from an innocent perversion of nature, “lefthandedism” is a deep-cover covert operation of the radical ultraleft to subvert the dominant paradigm by promoting the unworthy to unwarranted positions of dominance over those naturally endowed to be their betters. Unless the President acts swiftly to cut off this underhanded conspiracy at the elbow, innocent children across this great land may soon be forced to lift their spoons and thumb their remotes with one hand tied behind their backs. When the natural order of rightness and mightness is overturned and Satan and his left-winged angels return to mock whatever righteous remnant of the right is left, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Signed, “Rightly Concerned”
Reader’s Block
Dear Editor:
I have been reading your fine publication daily for years, practically since I learned to read in 7th grade, from page one to the full-page ad on the back, keeping track of issues large and small, from global warming to kitten-worming, and I have a complaint. Even though I read every single article attentively from beginning to end, staying exhaustively informed and fastidiously up-to-date through your meticulously comprehensive coverage, these issues have not improved – and in fact grow steadily worse!
I attempted to remedy this by subscribing to 17 other journals and periodicals across the political spectrum, from The Wall Street Journal to Forbes. I dedicated more and more time to my reading regimen until it absorbed every waking moment, devouring lighter fare like columns and editorials during meals, then returning to meatier news and in-depth features until the wee hours of the night – all to no avail.
I proceeded to increase the number of my subscriptions to 54, then to 171, finally to a grueling and encyclopedic 687. No such luck! Surely, I thought, the more facts people grasp, the more opinions we absorb, and the more expert analyses we ponder, the greater the impact of our reading and understanding will be! But day after day, hour by hour I grow exponentially more knowledgeable about the world’s woes, while the world’s woes continue to get worse.
Perhaps, I gradually realized, simply knowing what is going on in the world might not be enough. Perhaps I should be doing something about it. So I began writing Letters to the Editor. So far I have contributed 4,902 profoundly informed anonymous missives to all 687 publications I keep up with, though only 1,024 of these have been published. But to my surprise and chagrin, the problems of the world have only skidded further off track.
I regret to inform you that despite your excellent work in the print medium, I am beginning to think that in order to make a difference in this troubled world, I might have to take up watching television. Or maybe this new thing I’ve been reading about, “the internet”?
Sincerely yours, “Read It and Tweet”
Note: If my words resonate for you, please share widely. You can subscribe (or unsubscribe) at StephenWing.com. Read previous profoundly informed (and mostly serious) installments of “Wingtips” here.
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Entertaining and definitely thought-provoking at the same time! Keep up the great writing, Wing.